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Super-ego
超自我 · Суперэго
It stays calm because you do not come close.
超自我 ／ one of the sixteen relations
From the start, you can respect each other. Years pass and the courtesy never breaks, and no dispute arises. This distance is just right for these two.
SUPER-EGO
01 When you first meet
Not a bad impression
You are polite. The other is polite too. Conversation holds, and the necessary exchanges go without trouble. If anything, you think the other person admirable. They look like someone doing properly what you cannot do.
Only, when the conversation ends nothing remains. Because neither can feel the value of what the other holds dear. No denial. Just, the heart does not move.
This relation is calm from the start. And it continues, calm.
02 After a while
Try to come closer and it turns awkward
Since there is respect, you sometimes try to get a little closer. But the moment you do, it turns awkward. The timing of jokes does not match, deeper conversation does not continue, the state of being careful does not loosen.
In front of each other, both are trying to use a way of doing things that is not their own. Trying to match the other, both move away from their usual selves. So time together is slightly tiring.
And when the distance is restored, it is calm again. Come close and it tires; step back and it is peaceful. The smallness of this swing is the feature of the relation.
03 If it is to last
This distance is just right
The relation does not break off. Meet and you talk normally, cooperate if needed. However many years pass it never goes beyond acquaintance, but that causes no trouble either.
What is happening here is not opposition but a mismatch of interest. So there is no problem to solve in the first place. Only the effort to close the distance is what drains most in this relation.
Deciding to keep the present distance is not giving up but proper handling. As someone in the same organisation, it is also a fairly safe combination.
Telling it from other relations
There are several relations where "somehow you never get close". The cause differs.
- The difference from conflict
- In conflict, coming close brings pain. In super-ego, coming close only tires; there is no pain. The strength of the pull is also much gentler here.
- The difference from illusionary
- In illusionary, being together is itself pleasant. In super-ego there is no pleasantness either. Only calm.
- The difference from business
- Business meshes when you do something together. Super-ego does not mesh even in work. Polite, but little progress.
Where this relation is useful
As long as you do not try to be close, there is no problem at all.
- Courtesy holds from the start
- These two treat each other politely from the beginning. Even over a long acquaintance rudeness rarely occurs, and it does not become a dispute.
- Not stepping in becomes a kindness
- The effort to close the distance is what drains most in this relation. Deciding it is fine as it is is the right answer.
- It works with a third person between
- Even when conversation does not continue between the two alone, with someone in between it becomes natural. In joint work too, this form makes it function.
PROne thing for this relation
A relation that stays calm because you do not get close, so things that can be handed over from afar.
- A giftThe more distance, the more respect remains.
- Letter-writing toolsConversation turns formal. A letter stays.
- A book in their specialtyWith specialties kept apart, good cooperation.
Works that draw this relation
Chosen from works where the relationship between the two is itself the centre of the story.
- The Remains of the Day1993 · film · UK
For decades the courtesy never once breaks, and the distance never once closes. Not stepping in has become the choice of both.
This is not a typing of the characters. They are listed as examples where the shape of this relation is drawn clearly.
Songs this relation runs through
Chosen from songs whose subject is exactly what happens between the two.
- The Sound of SilenceSimon & Garfunkel · 1964
Words are exchanged yet do not arrive. It draws the state of staying polite while the distance never closes.
- IhoujinSaki Kubota · 1979
Polite, and never stepping in to the end. Staying at this distance has become a choice.
No lyrics are quoted. The songs are listed for the shape of relation they deal with.
Super-ego in Model A: what talks to what
Example: INTJ and ISFJ. Every pair in this relation connects the same positions in the same way; only the elements inside change.
Lines connect the same element in the other person's structure. 1–2 (strong) 3 (role) 4 (vulnerable) 5–6 (wanted) 7–8 (capable, indifferent)
The 8 pairs in this relation
Super-ego is symmetric: it looks the same from either side.